I haven’t written about this on my blog yet, because truthfully I was unable to. It was a year ago that it happened, but I haven’t felt secure enough to write about it until now. It’s been a full year though and I feel like I have enough distance from it now and strength to not let it hurt me anymore.
A year ago, I was a sophmore in college who had come back to school after my first summer as a counselor at Camp Twitch and Shout. I felt empowered because I had made a difference in children’s lives who had gone though what I had, and I felt accepted and loved after being welcomed into the camp twitch and shout family. Coming back to school I was more confident, but still fragile. Other people still greatly affected how I felt about myself.
I joined a new student group on campus and opened up to them about how I was involved in the Missouri Tourette’s Syndrome Association. I didn’t tell them that I had Tourette’s, but I ticced enough that it was probably obvious. After one of the meetings, another girl in the club who was a year older than me came up to me and told me that she was a Tourette’s Syndrome Youth Ambassador and when I asked how she got involved, she told me that she had Tourette’s. I was so excited!
I told her I have TS, too, and that I wished I could have been a youth ambassador but I was too old when I found out about the program. Even though I recognized her as one of the people who interviewed during sorority recruitment for a sorority that I was rejected from and even though the people during recruitment from that particular sorority were not very kind to me, I was still excited.
She was the first (and still the only) person on campus I had met who also had TS. I saw the potential of having a friend on campus who truly understood what I was going through, who was older, and who I could look up to. I saw the potential of having someone on campus that I could have a strong relationship similar to the relationships I had made at camp. Of course I had amazing friends at school already, but the potential of having a friend on campus who also knew what it was really like to have TS was something that I felt could be really special.
I started telling her about myself and about camp and after about a minute she became very standoffish and distant. I was being nothing but kind and warm to her after she had opened up to me, and I was confused. After only a minute or two of me opening up to her, she suddenly said she had to go and walked away. Had I said something wrong?
Now that I had opened my mouth, did she think for some reason that I was just a really lame person who she didn’t want to be friends with? No, I thought. I tried to reassure myself that she must have really needed to go. She probably needed to study or meet up with someone. I tried to convince myself it had nothing to do with me, but after being rejected by so many people in my past because I was different, it was hard for me to truly convince myself of this. Deep down I thought it was something I had said, something that gave me away to be a nerd or someone who was not as “cool” as she is.
Later on, I decided to send her a message.