This is the essay I submitted to the NJ Center for Tourette Syndrome & Associated Disorders (NJCTS) for their 2015 Children’s Scholarship Award contest. I hope you enjoy it!
Growing up I never really understood much about Tourette syndrome other than it made me twitch all the time and I never made many friends because of it. I was quickly rooted out as the weird kid in the third grade, when it first developed, and it didn’t get much better the following year, or the one after that. I was never very popular and I was typecast as the weird twitchy kid with no friends up threw middle school. It’s not that I was bullied; rather everyone in school always ignored me so that I was never included in games or parties because I guess sitting near the kid who had a twitch was too uncomfortable for all of them and it was easier to push me aside. But what really bothered me was that if they thought it was uncomfortable for them then they really didn’t understand how much the twitching bothered me. Needless to say I spent most of my time alone when I was younger because of this and even though most would probably be very upset about this I learned to manage it. Yes it would have been nice to have a few friends growing up, but more importantly this taught me a sort of independence that is very important to me now.
Even though Tourette’s makes focusing on a single spot very difficult for me when I’m constantly jerking my head from side I have loved reading ever since I was young. In middle school, when I still didn’t have any friends I’d read every day to pass the time simply because it was better than doing nothing. I read because I’m bored and I have a lot of free time on my hands in and out of school. Or at least that’s how it started back then because as time went on I realized that reading wasn’t just a passing interest, it became necessary for me and it still is.
Eventually all the childish bullying stopped bothering me when I began to realize that I am who I am and there’s simply nothing anyone can do to change it, and I don’t want to change. So if I’m stuck like this I had might as well prepare to be like this for the rest of my life, and I am.
And eventually the bullying stopped all together; my classmates forgot what it was that made them not like me and they forgot that they didn’t like me to begin with after I learned how to control the Tourette’s on my own a little bit better, or maybe they just decided let it go. But unfortunately the damage was done, the end result to all this was I never learned how to interact socially, and I didn’t even realize it until high school. Whenever someone wanting to talk approached me I didn’t know what to say or how I should say it. Should I be serious or joking, sincere or sarcastic, should I try to continue the conversation or try to break away? The idea of having to talk to someone became anxiety, and the Tourette’s didn’t stop, it wasn’t as bad as when I was younger but I was still struggling to focus and not lose control of my head, making any confrontation that much more nerve racking because I really didn’t want anyone to notice.
But that doesn’t mean that I’ve become some sort of social pariah who hides away behind a book all the time. It’s true that Tourette’s was never easy to deal with but that just meant that I had to work through it if I wanted to take back a normal life that I always wanted. Medication was always out of the question because that would only cover the problem, not fix the problem and. I would just be running away from my personal reality. If I couldn’t face that I cant face anything. I had to learn that even though having Tourette syndrome had a big effect on how I ultimately turned out it doesn’t define who I am, and even though I didn’t turn out how I wanted to, I am who I need to be.